Comparison

"The only thing I should focus on, as a runner, is myself. Enjoy the run. Learn about myself as I run. Keep going, and in doing so, I’ll get better — compared to myself.

And that’s the only thing we should focus on in life — enjoy the walk, learn about ourselves, keep taking steps and drop the comparisons. You’ll love the journey even more." - Leo Babuta (from this blog)

I caught a teensy, tiny bit of a break this week, in between some things that went right and others that didn't. And when I stopped to pause, I didn't know what to do with myself, so I got on Facebook and spent otherwise too much time on the internet, catching up on all of the things I've put on hold while I focus on the priorities. And then I started to feel bad about everything.

It felt like being restless and exhausted at the same time - needing to start something, knowing there was no time or energy to finish it. So I started nothing and tried to get "inspired." Except that the exact opposite happened. I burst into tears of frustration.

This is something I struggle with a lot, and feel very vulnerable about. I look around at what everyone else is doing and feel that I will never get to their level or find my niche within the creative world. I feel that I will never latch on to a style that works for me or make things that are as funky-fabulous as some of the people I admire. I sit and wonder what it means that I've reached some of the goals I set for myself this year, failed miserably at others, and yet still embraced a new one or two that I thought would be several years off.

And then one of my favorite people ever posted the link to the blog I referenced above. I love, love, love it when the right words come out at just the right time, exactly when you need to hear them. 

The comparison game is something that it's time I make a conscious effort to stop. I've seen it put another way too - "You should not compare your beginning to someone else's middle." Either way you say it, it is taking away my joy in the moments I need it the most. And I want to choose to not let that happen anymore. 

Maybe it's time to make some new goals, different goals. I loved this post about simple aspirations, and there are some very wise words in there - especially about having just one goal - to be a decent person, because that by itself is enough to work toward each day. Maybe this should be my new measuring stick, although one that comes with much compassion for failure.

And truly, I didn't get into this to compete with anyone, including myself, for a better job - I hated that about my corporate job - or to move up a ladder to be the best at something, or even be the most creative. That's truly not an attainable goal in the first place. I started this journey a year ago because I craved the freedom of being self-employed and I simply loved it. And I've discovered that I love it even more now - after pouring so many of my resources into it, I still want it so much I can taste it. But it needs to be my craft, not to be as successful as so and so.

This isn't something I'm going to overcome today, tomorrow, or probably even this year. I'm a work in progress, y'all. We all are. But I think with a little work and a lot of gratefulness, I will be able to simply enjoy the walk.